9Saturday, October 11, 2008

Jealousy lies somewhere in the gray area between sanity and madness. Some jealous reactions are so natural that a person who doesn't show them seems in some way "not normal." Others seem so excessive that one doesn't need to be an expert to know that they are pathological. A classic example is the man who is suspicious of his loving and faithful wife that he constantly spies on her, listens in on her phone conversations, records the mileage in her car for unexplained trips--and despite her repeatedly proven fidelity continues to suspect her and suffer from tremendous jealousy.

It is important to differentiate "normal" from "delusional" jealousy. Normal jealousy has its basis in a real threat to the relationship; delusional jealousy persists despite the absence of any real or even probable threat.

The good news is this: By recognizing the signs of romantic jealousy, by realizing what feelings are normal and abnormal, and by examining the roots of our jealous feelings, we can effectively learn to cope with it by changing our behavior. Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.

Whatever it is that draws two lovers to each other will create the character of the jealousy they may experience. Let me demonstrate this statement by an exercise. Think back to the time you first met or got to know your mate and try to recall as best you can the way you felt. What was it that most attracted you? What was it that made you think (right away, or at some point later) that this was the person with whom you wanted to share your life? What was the most important thing the relationship gave you? A feeling of security? Of being respected and listened to? Of being desired or adored?

Now switch back to the present and consider the primary component of your jealousy--the most painful thoughts and feelings associated with your jealousy or that of your mate. Is it a fear of being abandoned? Humiliation and loss of face? Loss of self-esteem?

The third part of this exercise is the most challenging, and the most significant. Think: Could there be some connection between the things that the relationship gave you initially and the primary components of your jealousy? For example, a woman who fell in love with her husband because he made her feel she had "finally come home" to a safe and secure place described the most painful aspect of her jealousy as "feeling abandoned and all alone."

The opposite example is the woman who fell in love with her husband because he made her the center of his world. After 20 years of marriage she wanted a divorce because his jealousy was suffocating her. Her husband fell in love with her because she was beautiful--the kind of woman he only dared dream about as a shy adolescent. His jealousy focused on his feelings of inferiority and insecurity.

Why is it so important to note the connection between what attracted us to our mate--the most valuable thing the relationship gave us initially--and the primary components of our jealousy? Because it proves that jealousy is indeed the shadow of love. Furthermore, it's a reminder that we didn't just happen to be in this relationship--we chose to be in it. Something in us attracted us to our mate. Something in us makes us experience jealousy the way we do. That something is our romantic image.

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